Stop Guessing: 3 Keys to Decode Behavior in Play Therapy

Learn 3 keys to decoding behavior in play therapy so you can understand what’s underneath it and make more intentional clinical decisions.

How to move beyond the behavior, understand what may be activating it, and use your clinical framework to decide what to do next

Have you ever had a child completely melt down in the lobby while their parent looks at you like:

“Please do something.”

Maybe the child is kicking and screaming and refusing to come into the playroom.

Or you're in the middle of a family play therapy session when your client suddenly becomes completely dysregulated.

Maybe the sweet seven-year-old you've been working with lets loose a string of words that makes everyone in the room stop and stare.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, you're thinking:

What do I do now?

I've been working with children and adolescents for more than 30 years, and I've yet to meet a play therapist—including myself—who hasn't had moments like these.

Children become dysregulated.

Parents become distressed.

Teachers become overwhelmed.

And everyone starts looking toward you, the play therapist, because you're supposed to be the person who knows what to do.

But here's what I want you to remember:

A child's meltdown doesn't mean you've failed as a play therapist.

It doesn't necessarily mean the parent has failed.

And it doesn't mean the child is “bad.”

It's data.

What happens before, during, and after that behavior gives us information we can use in our ongoing case conceptualization to better understand the child and determine what they may need from us next.

Behavior Gives Us Clues

One of the foundational ways I think about behavior in play therapy is this:

Behavior is communication.

When a child is screaming, hitting, shutting down, refusing to participate, or having an emotional meltdown, it's easy to become focused on stopping the behavior.

And, of course, sometimes we need to respond immediately for safety.

But clinically, I want us to go deeper.

Rather than asking:

“Why is this child behaving this way?”

or

“Why is this child being bad?”

I want us to become curious about:

“What is activating this behavior?”

That's an important shift.

Because when we approach behavior with curiosity rather than judgment, we can begin looking underneath the external response.

What's happening internally?

What emotions are being activated?

What sensory experiences might be involved?

What beliefs does the child have about themselves, other people, or the situation?

And how are the adults around the child responding?

Those questions begin moving us toward the root of what's happening instead of simply trying to make the behavior disappear.

Key #1: Move From Behavior to Meaning

Children generally don't want to be out of control.

Think about how distressing a major meltdown can be for the child experiencing it.

Their body is overwhelmed. Their emotions are overwhelming. Their ability to think clearly and communicate what they need may be limited.

That experience can be scary for the child, just as it's scary or frustrating for the adults around them.

Sometimes the child's behavior even communicates:

“Stay away from me.”

But what they may actually need is an attuned adult who can help them regulate and feel safe.

So rather than taking the behavior personally—or immediately assuming something has gone wrong in therapy—I want to use it as information.

Something happened.

The child responded.

Now we get curious about what that response can tell us.

That's where our clinical detective work begins.

A Neuroscience Lens Can Help Us Understand What's Underneath

One way I conceptualize this is through neuroscience and the idea of predictive processing.

Rather than thinking of the brain as simply reacting to what's happening right now, we can think about it as constantly making meaning and predicting what needs to happen next.

The brain is taking in sensory information from the current experience while also drawing on previous experiences.

Some of those previous experiences are stored as implicit memories. The child may not consciously remember or be able to explain them, but they're still part of how the brain makes meaning.

Culture and context also influence how experiences and emotions are understood.

The brain is essentially asking:

What does this mean, and what do I need to do next?

If the brain predicts danger, resources may be allocated accordingly.

We might see fight.

Flight.

Freeze.

Shutdown.

Or other behaviors that, on the surface, look like a child simply refusing to cooperate.

That's why the behavior itself isn't the whole story.

We want to understand the meaning the child's brain may be making of the experience.

What Does the Situation Mean to This Child?

Imagine a five-year-old coming to see you for one of their first play therapy sessions.

You walk into the lobby, and the child immediately starts screaming.

They don't want to leave their parent.

They refuse to come with you.

Everyone in the lobby is watching.

The parent is mortified—and possibly a little relieved because now you can see what they've been trying to explain.

It's tempting to focus on:

How do I get this child into the playroom?

But I want to think about what the experience might mean to the child.

They barely know you.

They know their caregiver.

Now this unfamiliar adult wants them to separate from their safe person and walk into an unfamiliar room.

For some reason, that experience has activated a threat response.

We may not yet know everything sustaining that response.

But we know what the child needs in that moment:

Safety.

And once we understand that, our clinical decisions can change.

Maybe we spend some time together before attempting the separation.

Maybe we move to a private space with the caregiver.

Maybe at the next appointment, instead of expecting the child to immediately enter the building, the therapist meets the child outside and spends time connecting there first.

Now we're no longer just trying to stop the meltdown.

We're asking:

What does entering this building mean to this child, and how can I help create a different experience?

What Looks Like a Failed Intervention Can Actually Give You Valuable Information

I saw another example of this when I was supervising a graduate student providing family play therapy.

We were working with a child who presented with a lot of power and control issues.

So we thought:

Let's give her some control.

It made sense based on what we understood at the time.

During the family play therapy session, the therapist allowed the child to choose.

And it did not go well.

The child had a massive meltdown.

It would have been easy to walk away from that session thinking:

That intervention failed.

Instead, we processed what happened.

What was said?

What did the therapist do?

What did the child do?

How did the family respond?

What happened immediately before the meltdown?

And what we realized was really important.

This child appeared to want power and control—but when she was actually given that level of decision-making, it was overwhelming for her.

That's very different information.

So instead of seeing the session as a failure, we used it to refine our case conceptualization.

Then we adjusted our approach.

We developed strategies that allowed the parents to provide more leadership and co-regulation.

And things improved.

The meltdown gave us data we didn't have before.

We Need to Go Deeper Than “The Nervous System Is Dysregulated”

We hear a lot about the nervous system right now.

And nervous system regulation is absolutely important.

But I also think we can oversimplify something that's much more complex if we stop at:

“The child's nervous system became dysregulated.”

Okay.

But why?

What happened?

What meaning did the child's brain make of the experience?

What past experiences may be influencing that meaning?

What emotions were constructed from that experience?

What beliefs were activated?

What cultural context might influence how the child understands what is happening?

Those questions give us much more clinical information.

Instead of simply labeling the child's state, we're trying to understand what activated it.

That's what helps us pinpoint where we may need to target the change process in play therapy.

Key #2: Think Co-Regulation Before Correction

Once a child is overwhelmed, our immediate goal isn't to conduct a detailed analysis of what happened.

There will be time for that later.

In the moment, the child needs co-regulation.

Children are still developing their capacity to tolerate distress and regulate their emotions.

The younger the child, the more they're going to depend on the adults around them to help organize those experiences.

They need adults who can be attuned to what's happening.

Adults who can help them feel seen.

Adults who can help them experience safety.

And adults who can remain regulated enough for the child to use that regulated state.

Notice I'm saying regulated, not necessarily calm.

There's a lot of space within our window of tolerance.

We're not asking caregivers—or ourselves—to become perfectly calm robots while a child is screaming.

We're asking:

Can I stay regulated enough to remain present and attuned to this child?

In that moment, we don't necessarily need to figure out the entire case.

We can do that later.

First, we help the child return to a more regulated state.

Then we can begin asking what happened and what we learned from it.

The Adult's Internal Experience Matters Too

Co-regulation also requires us to look at what's happening inside the adult.

I love the way the Circle of Security parenting model talks about “shark music.”

Think about the movie Jaws.

You don't need to see the shark to know something bad is about to happen.

You hear the music.

And because your brain has learned what that music means, it begins predicting danger before anything actually happens.

Parents have their own version of shark music.

So do therapists.

A child's behavior can activate our beliefs, emotions, previous experiences, fears, biases, and expectations.

That's why self-awareness matters.

What is happening inside me right now?

What belief is being activated?

Am I responding to what this child actually needs, or am I responding to my own discomfort?

For therapists, this also means paying attention to countertransference and unconscious bias.

And when we're working with parents, part of our role may be helping them become aware of their own internal responses so they can better read their child's cues and remain available for co-regulation.

Key #3: Use Your Play Therapy Model as the Roadmap

Understanding what's happening is important.

But understanding alone isn't enough.

Eventually we have to answer:

What am I going to do about it?

This is where your play therapy model becomes your roadmap.

Case conceptualization leads to treatment planning.

Treatment planning leads to what you actually do in your sessions.

Your theoretical model helps determine:

What you're going to do.

How you're going to do it.

When you're going to do it.

And how caregivers fit into that process.

Even if you consider yourself an integrative play therapist, you're still integrating specific theoretical models.

Those models should be guiding your clinical decisions.

Otherwise, we can understand all kinds of fascinating things about neuroscience, attachment, emotion, and behavior without having a clear way to translate that knowledge into therapeutic action.

Turning Theory Into What Actually Happens in the Playroom

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about newer neuroscience perspectives and how they connect with the play therapy models I use.

For example, research on emotion development has discussed the role adults can play in helping children name emotions.

When I think about that through a Child-Centered Play Therapy framework, something immediately connects for me:

We reflect emotions.

We're putting language around the emotional experience occurring within the play process.

When I'm doing Attachment-Focused Family Play Therapy, I can take that understanding into my work with caregivers.

I'm helping parents learn how to read their child's cues.

I'm helping them reflect emotions.

I'm helping them become aware of what's happening internally for themselves.

I'm helping them stay regulated enough to co-regulate.

And I'm helping them respond to the child in a way that fits what that child needs.

That's an example of taking theory and asking:

What does this actually look like in my model and in my playroom?

Another theoretical model might apply the same information differently.

And that's exactly the point.

Your model helps you decide how to translate your conceptual understanding into clinical practice.

Stop Asking Whether You Failed and Start Asking What You Learned

There are going to be difficult moments in play therapy.

There will be meltdowns.

There will be sessions where an intervention doesn't go the way you expected.

There will be parents calling between sessions because things are falling apart at home.

And there will be times when you walk out of a session thinking:

I have absolutely no idea what just happened.

That doesn't automatically mean you did something wrong.

Instead, go into clinical detective mode.

What happened?

What changed?

What may have been activated?

What meaning might the child have made of the experience?

What did the adults do?

How did the child respond?

What does your theoretical framework tell you about that response?

What does this new information add to your case conceptualization?

And then:

What does your play therapy model tell you to do next?

The goal isn't to become a therapist who can prevent every child from ever becoming dysregulated.

The goal is to become a therapist who knows how to use what happens as clinical information.

Because behavior gives us clues.

And when we know how to decode those clues, we can make more intentional decisions about how to support healing.

You Don't Have to Decode It Alone

There's one more piece I don't want us to overlook.

This work is really hard to do alone.

Sometimes you're simply too close to the case to see what's happening.

That's why consultation is such an important part of the work we do inside Play Therapy Elevation CIRCLE and Play Therapy Academy.

We can take a situation like a major meltdown and think through it together.

What happened?

What might be underneath it?

How does your play therapy model help us conceptualize it?

What could you try next?

And if Plan A doesn't work, what are Plans B, C, and D?

Having other play therapists think alongside you can help you see possibilities you may not have been able to see on your own.

Looking for More Support in Your Play Therapy Work?

Enrollment for Play Therapy Elevation CIRCLE is currently closed, but you can join the waitlist to be notified when enrollment opens again.

If you're looking for a deeper level of support focused on developing your play therapy competency, applying a theoretical model, strengthening your case conceptualization, and building your clinical skills, Play Therapy Academy may be a better fit. There are currently a limited number of spots available.

If you're not sure which option fits what you need right now, you can schedule a 30-minute video call with me.

Categories: : Consultation, Play Therapy Academy, Play Therapy Elevation Circle, Play Therapy Model, Podcast, Supervision